Still don't have as much motivation with my work as I should, but then again I have been in this industry for 5 years and I never was one to sit in the same place for too long. I am starting to think that genuinely I am just a bit bored with it, so I am just changing the focus on it a little to make it more interesting. New challenges, now that's what I love!
I even considered going back to well paid employment there for a minute, but my ex would get too much bloody money if I did. Might send off a resume or 2 out of curiosity anyway. Wouldn't be the first time I have knocked back good job offers to keep doing what I do, 1&1/2 years ago people called me mad for doing knocking them back. I enjoyed proving them wrong by earning nearly double in my first year trading with the new business. (Just a pity I lost it there for a bit and this year has not fared well so far). I know I can make it better (because I already am, you'll see;)
Now that's the misery bit out of the way, lets get on with the good stuff!!!
Dropped my eldest at her new school today, she was really cool about it. I was so proud to see my 6 year old (who can be a bit shy at times) walk into her new class with her head held high and a big smile on her face. I called her this afternoon and she told me she has already made 3 new friends. Brought a tear of happiness to my eye. I cant wait to see my girls again in a few days time.
After dropping my daughter off I went to measure up a small job order for a really good client that had become a bit dubious about us, mainly due fact I was not answering the phone for a while there + we had a few minor subcontractor problems on site. This is the best part of being sober, I no longer reach for the bottle when there is a problem. I look for the solution and act on it straight away, Very rewarding in itself. So rewarding that after talking to a few of the owners of "my clients" business the one small order I was instructed to act on today ended up being 5 orders with on HUGE one in amongst it:) This will provide 1 months work for my subcontractor and his staff along with a bit of healthy profit for myself. What used to take me days through drunken procrastination took me about 2 hours to do today. Lets just hope the subcontractors dont fuck anything up this time. That is the worst part of my type of business, I am always relying on the promises of my suppliers and subcontractors (which then get relayed to my clients). When the suppliers and subcontractors break a promise or when they fuck up, it is me that cops the shit. Pointing fingers is useless, finding solutions, acting quickly and being upfront* about it is the only thing that helps. Guess that was my tip for the day, as it applies to many things in life.
*Upfront: May contain traces of small lies to protect integrity if necessary (this only applies to business and wifes;)
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Well, sorry about yesterdays rant.
We had the guests over as planned, all the adults drinking drinking drinking. Sure, I felt like one at times (most of the night), but got through it quite well.
The worst part of the night was the 8 yes, 8 children/teenagers. With me being the only sober one, I found myself either worrying about their safety (especially my young ones) or answering/listening to the the 100,000 questions/statements per minute that they are capable of. I also found out hat ipods suck, and I never should have promised my mates daughter that I would download some songs and put them to her ipod for her when they came around (they dont have internet at home). Picture this: Drunken gathering of adults outside, man (me) inside with about 6 kids hovering over shoulder downloading songs for a 12 year old girl.
Downloading Justin Timberlake and a whole heap of other mushy songs that I cant handle, converting files to stupid fucking itunes and having 6 kids barking in my ear every second whilst the others were running amok elsewhere in my little house AND trying to stay sober with my freinds outside having enjoying a drink was my hardest test yet.
I PASSED:)
and am proud of it.
My freinds were good, no one pushed a drink in my face or even offered. I was a little quiet at time, but I think most knew that I was a little on edge that evening, but in the end all cool. Great to see my wife let her hair down and enjoy some gossip amongst her freinds too. She can drink anytime she wants and knows this, but she wanted to back off having 1 or 2 a day herself I think. I still have a heap of wine in the fridge and cupboard which she is welcome to drink, unfortunately she doesnt like any of them. (Between you and me I think she has poor taste in wine)
Nice and sober today as well, done heaps of fishing (we live on the water) with the kids and freinds that stayed over, read a bit of a nice novel I am reading at the moment and the backyard is all cleaned up along with the house.
I must admit though as much as I regret pouring so much grog down my throat over the years to the point it was starting to kill me. I was kind of proud to overhear one of my mates talking to one of the teenage boys (nearly 17) about life and choices. He used me as an example of how alcohol can start to rule some people (that is not the pride bit, that just bought up regretful feelings) EMO! The pride was when I heard him mention himself and a few really large drinkers we know and tell the kid that 1 month ago I could have drunk them all under the table and continued to have a sensible conversation with the next person that came along. Some would say it is nothing to be proud of, and it isnt. I was just proud to hear that I had confirmation that I was never a messy, loud or obnoxious drunk. I WAS FUCKING SUPERMAN! ;)
In summary, there has been stress, there have been hurdles to jump but in the end I am glad to be sober today. I am looking forward to a sober future. Just got to keep myself occupied for now;) This evinings choice of distraction shall be cooking some Russian Food for the children (dont know if I mentioned this before, but every time the kids come over one of them blindly picks a spot on a map of the world and I cook them food from that country) Tonights dish Piroshki with a nice Eggplant Thing as a side. Cooking is something I have always enjoyed, runs in the family. Same with my wifey. Kids are blessed to have us as parents / step parents I tell ya!
If you have been read this blog or been following it. Thanks for putting up with ups and downs of my rants. I feel stability is in the not too distant future:)
well, as stable as us humans get anyway;)
The worst part of the night was the 8 yes, 8 children/teenagers. With me being the only sober one, I found myself either worrying about their safety (especially my young ones) or answering/listening to the the 100,000 questions/statements per minute that they are capable of. I also found out hat ipods suck, and I never should have promised my mates daughter that I would download some songs and put them to her ipod for her when they came around (they dont have internet at home). Picture this: Drunken gathering of adults outside, man (me) inside with about 6 kids hovering over shoulder downloading songs for a 12 year old girl.
Downloading Justin Timberlake and a whole heap of other mushy songs that I cant handle, converting files to stupid fucking itunes and having 6 kids barking in my ear every second whilst the others were running amok elsewhere in my little house AND trying to stay sober with my freinds outside having enjoying a drink was my hardest test yet.
I PASSED:)
and am proud of it.
My freinds were good, no one pushed a drink in my face or even offered. I was a little quiet at time, but I think most knew that I was a little on edge that evening, but in the end all cool. Great to see my wife let her hair down and enjoy some gossip amongst her freinds too. She can drink anytime she wants and knows this, but she wanted to back off having 1 or 2 a day herself I think. I still have a heap of wine in the fridge and cupboard which she is welcome to drink, unfortunately she doesnt like any of them. (Between you and me I think she has poor taste in wine)
Nice and sober today as well, done heaps of fishing (we live on the water) with the kids and freinds that stayed over, read a bit of a nice novel I am reading at the moment and the backyard is all cleaned up along with the house.
I must admit though as much as I regret pouring so much grog down my throat over the years to the point it was starting to kill me. I was kind of proud to overhear one of my mates talking to one of the teenage boys (nearly 17) about life and choices. He used me as an example of how alcohol can start to rule some people (that is not the pride bit, that just bought up regretful feelings) EMO! The pride was when I heard him mention himself and a few really large drinkers we know and tell the kid that 1 month ago I could have drunk them all under the table and continued to have a sensible conversation with the next person that came along. Some would say it is nothing to be proud of, and it isnt. I was just proud to hear that I had confirmation that I was never a messy, loud or obnoxious drunk. I WAS FUCKING SUPERMAN! ;)
In summary, there has been stress, there have been hurdles to jump but in the end I am glad to be sober today. I am looking forward to a sober future. Just got to keep myself occupied for now;) This evinings choice of distraction shall be cooking some Russian Food for the children (dont know if I mentioned this before, but every time the kids come over one of them blindly picks a spot on a map of the world and I cook them food from that country) Tonights dish Piroshki with a nice Eggplant Thing as a side. Cooking is something I have always enjoyed, runs in the family. Same with my wifey. Kids are blessed to have us as parents / step parents I tell ya!
If you have been read this blog or been following it. Thanks for putting up with ups and downs of my rants. I feel stability is in the not too distant future:)
well, as stable as us humans get anyway;)
Saturday, April 26, 2008
I am starting to hate being sober.
No drugs, no pharmacuticals, no alcohol. The most fucked up sleep patterns I have ever had.
I am just not used to this. It SUCKS! I can get a better nights sleep after a bag of speed FFS!
Current financial stresses probably doesnt help either but FUCK!
WHAT DO YOU SOBER CUNTS DO TO AMUSE YOURSELVES AND SLEEP AT NIGHT?
I am just not used to this. It SUCKS! I can get a better nights sleep after a bag of speed FFS!
Current financial stresses probably doesnt help either but FUCK!
WHAT DO YOU SOBER CUNTS DO TO AMUSE YOURSELVES AND SLEEP AT NIGHT?
Friday, April 25, 2008
Around 3 weeks now
Even though I told myself I would not count the time away from the booze I have been (roughly) of late.
This time round I have only hung around a few people for short periods whilst they were drinking and handled it well. don't get me wrong I do not start shaking and dribbling, but the cravings do get pretty overwhelming at times. The times I feel like a drink the most is when stress from work kicks in. But this weekend is going to be a fucking big test. I have 4 adults (all heavy drinkers) with their total of 5 kids coming over plus there is my wife and 2 kids. I know for a fact right now, the only one not being either/or loud, drunk, talking shit or running around like a nutter making a mess everywhere is going to be me. As a little side note, I think I had better mention that I was never a messy loud or obnoxious drunk. Even on big nights out partying I was the one who would keep their head (or at least be the most rationally thinking person at the time) despite the amount of consumption.
Us blokes are going to go take my boat out for a bit of a fishing trip for most of the night so I suppose that will keep the kids wrecking the house out of my mind sort of. Funny because I cant ever remember going fishing without having a beer first. Christ we used to scale down cliffs to go rock fishing before the break of dawn and still have a 6pack each to have a couple whilst we fished off the rocks. Believe it or not Rock Fishing on the ocean edge is actually Australia's second most deadly sport as that many people get killed from being washed off the rocks. I do remember one time I turned to go back to my tackle bag (and beer) to put a hook on my line and this freak wave came out of nowhere and nearly consumed us all 5 of us. Luckily enough we were on a large flat sort of ledge and everyone managed to find a hand hold and not get dragged into the ocean. Most people lost all their tackle bags except for me because for some reason I just wanted to keep mine right out of the way that day;) We all climbed back up the cliff face and went home after that. That was the day I realised rock fishing and drinking shouldn't mix. I don't think I have been rock fishing since. Pity, because I love it. Actually that is a good idea, next weekend if it is not blowing a gale like it is now I am going Rock fishing, about time I got out and did some of the shit I used to do. I'll be sure to post some pics of the catch!
Oh and Australia's deadliest sport is Lawn bowls. More people die on the green due to the typical age category of the sport. Mainly heart attacks.
This time round I have only hung around a few people for short periods whilst they were drinking and handled it well. don't get me wrong I do not start shaking and dribbling, but the cravings do get pretty overwhelming at times. The times I feel like a drink the most is when stress from work kicks in. But this weekend is going to be a fucking big test. I have 4 adults (all heavy drinkers) with their total of 5 kids coming over plus there is my wife and 2 kids. I know for a fact right now, the only one not being either/or loud, drunk, talking shit or running around like a nutter making a mess everywhere is going to be me. As a little side note, I think I had better mention that I was never a messy loud or obnoxious drunk. Even on big nights out partying I was the one who would keep their head (or at least be the most rationally thinking person at the time) despite the amount of consumption.
Us blokes are going to go take my boat out for a bit of a fishing trip for most of the night so I suppose that will keep the kids wrecking the house out of my mind sort of. Funny because I cant ever remember going fishing without having a beer first. Christ we used to scale down cliffs to go rock fishing before the break of dawn and still have a 6pack each to have a couple whilst we fished off the rocks. Believe it or not Rock Fishing on the ocean edge is actually Australia's second most deadly sport as that many people get killed from being washed off the rocks. I do remember one time I turned to go back to my tackle bag (and beer) to put a hook on my line and this freak wave came out of nowhere and nearly consumed us all 5 of us. Luckily enough we were on a large flat sort of ledge and everyone managed to find a hand hold and not get dragged into the ocean. Most people lost all their tackle bags except for me because for some reason I just wanted to keep mine right out of the way that day;) We all climbed back up the cliff face and went home after that. That was the day I realised rock fishing and drinking shouldn't mix. I don't think I have been rock fishing since. Pity, because I love it. Actually that is a good idea, next weekend if it is not blowing a gale like it is now I am going Rock fishing, about time I got out and did some of the shit I used to do. I'll be sure to post some pics of the catch!
Oh and Australia's deadliest sport is Lawn bowls. More people die on the green due to the typical age category of the sport. Mainly heart attacks.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
How much I spent on alcohol in 9 months
After writing my last post I thought I would go through all my bank statements from this financial year to date and find out how much I had spent through my various accounts on alcohol from the 1st of July 07 to 31st of March 08. See below for the results that made me sick.
CLICK HERE FOR SLIGHTLY BIGGER IMAGE
As miserable as it was to sit down for hours and look at how much I have wasted on booze I felt I needed to know. There were some very conflicting thoughts during this process. Quite often when I would see the Point of sale I'd think "Hmmm, liquor store, gee I'd love a drink. I miss those guys down there". Then I would see some of the amounts and think "Fuck me! how much of a money wasting drunken fucking loser have I been!?"
The end result is however has been positive. Every time I think about a drink I know I will remember this sheet and I will know that I would much rather be looking after my family. (or maybe buying some new toys! A new boat next year would be nice:)
New boats are good for the family I'll have you know!
CLICK HERE FOR SLIGHTLY BIGGER IMAGE
As miserable as it was to sit down for hours and look at how much I have wasted on booze I felt I needed to know. There were some very conflicting thoughts during this process. Quite often when I would see the Point of sale I'd think "Hmmm, liquor store, gee I'd love a drink. I miss those guys down there". Then I would see some of the amounts and think "Fuck me! how much of a money wasting drunken fucking loser have I been!?"
The end result is however has been positive. Every time I think about a drink I know I will remember this sheet and I will know that I would much rather be looking after my family. (or maybe buying some new toys! A new boat next year would be nice:)
New boats are good for the family I'll have you know!
Off the diazepam
And still off the booze.
I was watching the movie "Street Kings" last night and fuck me did it make me feel like having some vodka (the main character likes it as much as I do). I am not quite sure how long I have been off it, nor do I want to count the amount of time I have not had a drink. that's it, this is final (I really hope). I almost went through all my bank accounts and added up how much I spent at liquor stores over the last financial year, but decided to do some more work instead. I'll post the amount in my next post.
I have noticed I am slipping a bit with work again, maybe it is just how I am. Maybe I just need to try harder. I'd love to get my new products off the ground, but every time I get close (financially) another bill gets in the way. The rain of late has made the last 2 months work with regular clients financially shit as it has not stopped raining and without going into too much detail of my business. All I will say is that rain stops my clients from ordering.
My internet surfing has not really dropped, although I have found I am using it to make money rather than fuck about on sites talking to some people I know (sorry guys, nut I had to do this). All I can say about the internet at the moment is FUCK ME YOU GET SOME DUMB QUESTIONS FROM EBAY USERS! If I had a dollar for every time I had to answer a dumb question It would not matter if I sold the products in the first place;)
I really have to get to get myself back to the GP and psych again. But the lack of motivation and "work load" (meaning, the work I am supposed to be doing) seems to be holding me back. As stated before, I never thought I'd need psych (and I probably dont) but they really help you look into where your thoughts are really coming from. My father inlaw, and best freinds are both psychs, but I'd rather keep it at a friendly level rather than professional. Besides, I don't think that my father in-law would want to know that their little girl is with an alcoholic and an ex drug user (although I think he may have suspected the alcoholism part as we have stayed up late drinking wine together on many occasions, I miss doing that with him since we moved away). I don't know why my wife is with me, but I am glad she is. I like to think I do the right thing by her. She has put up with a lot of drunken rants over the years (some argumentative, but mainly just dribble;)
One other thing, is that since I stopped the diazepam, I keep talking in my sleep and sleep is very restless. I dare say this will wear off in a week or so. Been trying to get back into a normal sleep pattern and had a good 7 hours last night. But I woke up after dreaming that my former embezzling business partner was working at my home office and I snapped, and started throwing his stuff out the door, kicking him out. The whole time in this dream I was wondering to myself "why did I let him work with me again?) I have had many dreams like this since the break up of that business after his embezzelment. Maybe I should have changed industries altogether rather than becoming opposition. Cant wait until the fucker goes to jail.
I have no tips for today. Why dont you give me one instead?
I was watching the movie "Street Kings" last night and fuck me did it make me feel like having some vodka (the main character likes it as much as I do). I am not quite sure how long I have been off it, nor do I want to count the amount of time I have not had a drink. that's it, this is final (I really hope). I almost went through all my bank accounts and added up how much I spent at liquor stores over the last financial year, but decided to do some more work instead. I'll post the amount in my next post.
I have noticed I am slipping a bit with work again, maybe it is just how I am. Maybe I just need to try harder. I'd love to get my new products off the ground, but every time I get close (financially) another bill gets in the way. The rain of late has made the last 2 months work with regular clients financially shit as it has not stopped raining and without going into too much detail of my business. All I will say is that rain stops my clients from ordering.
My internet surfing has not really dropped, although I have found I am using it to make money rather than fuck about on sites talking to some people I know (sorry guys, nut I had to do this). All I can say about the internet at the moment is FUCK ME YOU GET SOME DUMB QUESTIONS FROM EBAY USERS! If I had a dollar for every time I had to answer a dumb question It would not matter if I sold the products in the first place;)
I really have to get to get myself back to the GP and psych again. But the lack of motivation and "work load" (meaning, the work I am supposed to be doing) seems to be holding me back. As stated before, I never thought I'd need psych (and I probably dont) but they really help you look into where your thoughts are really coming from. My father inlaw, and best freinds are both psychs, but I'd rather keep it at a friendly level rather than professional. Besides, I don't think that my father in-law would want to know that their little girl is with an alcoholic and an ex drug user (although I think he may have suspected the alcoholism part as we have stayed up late drinking wine together on many occasions, I miss doing that with him since we moved away). I don't know why my wife is with me, but I am glad she is. I like to think I do the right thing by her. She has put up with a lot of drunken rants over the years (some argumentative, but mainly just dribble;)
One other thing, is that since I stopped the diazepam, I keep talking in my sleep and sleep is very restless. I dare say this will wear off in a week or so. Been trying to get back into a normal sleep pattern and had a good 7 hours last night. But I woke up after dreaming that my former embezzling business partner was working at my home office and I snapped, and started throwing his stuff out the door, kicking him out. The whole time in this dream I was wondering to myself "why did I let him work with me again?) I have had many dreams like this since the break up of that business after his embezzelment. Maybe I should have changed industries altogether rather than becoming opposition. Cant wait until the fucker goes to jail.
I have no tips for today. Why dont you give me one instead?
Friday, April 18, 2008
Hobbies
A while ago a mate of mine was staying over after a suicide attempt (and a bloody good one at that) after a break up with his wife. Luckily enough his neighbour looked over the fence and called an ambulance and applied first aid before he bled to death.
He was addicted to speed, which I must say I have been guilty of in the past but once again got sick of a drug controlling me, so I stopped.
It only just occurred to me today that he was telling me how his counsellor recommended he immerse himself in a hobby that he enjoys. This recollection of our conversation was brought on by when I was adding new fish and habitats to my fish tank I recently bought. I have added several new types of fish and have enjoyed watching them grow, compete for their new territory and eventually settle in. The bristle nose catfish are great. i bought them as babies 3 weeks ago and they have already doubled in size. It is amazing what ones mind can hold in the subconscious. I am just happy that they have revealed themselves to me at my time of need.
So there you go, one of my tips for the day is to immerse yourself in a hobby. Even if you dont have one, find one or JUST DO SOMETHING!
Yesterday I also linked this blog to another talkboard / forum that i frequent last night and one of the users replies was a quote from Irvine Welsh, the writer of the movie "trainspotting" his quote was "Regarding Heroin addiction the best way to get off something is to get a good subscription to Blockbuster. Anytime you feel like your gonna take a drink engross yourself within a film for 2 hours."
Funnily enough, I had also upgraded my internet when I got off the drink to a super fast speed to allow me to watch a lot of movies at a decent speed without the need to buffer them first. (I found I did this more so in the first week, pretty much seen all the new stuff worth watching after that;). I found the best way to find free movies online is to google the words "watch [insert movie name here] free online". you will get a heap of links to sites. I prefer the ones where I do not have to join or pay any fees. Project free tv and watchmovie.net seem to be pretty darned good. Not sure about the legality of it all, but hey it beats killing yourself with drugs and booze.
Now all I have to do is try and convince my wife to let me get some giant cockroaches " Macropanesthia rhinoceros " as pets. they are not disease carrying and eat only dead eucalyptus leaves which funnily enough are quite abundant around here. They cost about $100AUD a pair, but they are interesting little critters. Gooogle them or check some of the ad links, you may come up with something as I cant be arsed hotlinking, nor downloading and re-hosting the images;)
Now all I have to do is pull my finger out (again) and immerse myself in some more work. Funny thing about when my clients pay is that I would rather be out spending my money than focusing on making more. But I am getting better at it;)
More bids on my new ebay stuff would be nice as well!
So in summary, resume a hobby, get a hobby, do something! and/or watch some movies. It is all better than killing yourself.
Any of replies of your tips and comments would be appreciated. Remember, I started this blog not just to help me, but to help others as well. Also wouldnt mind knowing how to get this out there to more readers, I have read plenty of guides, but they all seem a little crap. I like to follow the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid).
Have a good day, and thanks for reading.
He was addicted to speed, which I must say I have been guilty of in the past but once again got sick of a drug controlling me, so I stopped.
It only just occurred to me today that he was telling me how his counsellor recommended he immerse himself in a hobby that he enjoys. This recollection of our conversation was brought on by when I was adding new fish and habitats to my fish tank I recently bought. I have added several new types of fish and have enjoyed watching them grow, compete for their new territory and eventually settle in. The bristle nose catfish are great. i bought them as babies 3 weeks ago and they have already doubled in size. It is amazing what ones mind can hold in the subconscious. I am just happy that they have revealed themselves to me at my time of need.
So there you go, one of my tips for the day is to immerse yourself in a hobby. Even if you dont have one, find one or JUST DO SOMETHING!
Yesterday I also linked this blog to another talkboard / forum that i frequent last night and one of the users replies was a quote from Irvine Welsh, the writer of the movie "trainspotting" his quote was "Regarding Heroin addiction the best way to get off something is to get a good subscription to Blockbuster. Anytime you feel like your gonna take a drink engross yourself within a film for 2 hours."
Funnily enough, I had also upgraded my internet when I got off the drink to a super fast speed to allow me to watch a lot of movies at a decent speed without the need to buffer them first. (I found I did this more so in the first week, pretty much seen all the new stuff worth watching after that;). I found the best way to find free movies online is to google the words "watch [insert movie name here] free online". you will get a heap of links to sites. I prefer the ones where I do not have to join or pay any fees. Project free tv and watchmovie.net seem to be pretty darned good. Not sure about the legality of it all, but hey it beats killing yourself with drugs and booze.
Now all I have to do is try and convince my wife to let me get some giant cockroaches " Macropanesthia rhinoceros " as pets. they are not disease carrying and eat only dead eucalyptus leaves which funnily enough are quite abundant around here. They cost about $100AUD a pair, but they are interesting little critters. Gooogle them or check some of the ad links, you may come up with something as I cant be arsed hotlinking, nor downloading and re-hosting the images;)
Now all I have to do is pull my finger out (again) and immerse myself in some more work. Funny thing about when my clients pay is that I would rather be out spending my money than focusing on making more. But I am getting better at it;)
More bids on my new ebay stuff would be nice as well!
So in summary, resume a hobby, get a hobby, do something! and/or watch some movies. It is all better than killing yourself.
Any of replies of your tips and comments would be appreciated. Remember, I started this blog not just to help me, but to help others as well. Also wouldnt mind knowing how to get this out there to more readers, I have read plenty of guides, but they all seem a little crap. I like to follow the KISS principle (Keep It Simple Stupid).
Have a good day, and thanks for reading.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
GOT PAID TODAY!!!
Well, doesnt ones mood improve when they check their bank balance anf find over 75% of monies owed are present!
Paid all my suppliers, got some new work coming in, kids freind staying over went home yesterday afternoon. HAPPY DAYS!
All that is left to do now is figure out how to fund the new products to a larger, more profitable scale! (I have deided to keep the boat and do it up a bit first;)
Been weaning myself off the diazepam and caffeine a bit too. (took 4 x 5mg at once yesterday afternoon, but this made me realise once again that I am supposed to be sorting myself out not finding another buzz).
Tip for the day: Wear your bathrobes inside out using the internal strings to tie it up. Seems to fit better.
Going to start a cooking blog of our recipies soon. I'll keep you posted.
Paid all my suppliers, got some new work coming in, kids freind staying over went home yesterday afternoon. HAPPY DAYS!
All that is left to do now is figure out how to fund the new products to a larger, more profitable scale! (I have deided to keep the boat and do it up a bit first;)
Been weaning myself off the diazepam and caffeine a bit too. (took 4 x 5mg at once yesterday afternoon, but this made me realise once again that I am supposed to be sorting myself out not finding another buzz).
Tip for the day: Wear your bathrobes inside out using the internal strings to tie it up. Seems to fit better.
Going to start a cooking blog of our recipies soon. I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Caffine and Valium
Wow!
I always maintained that I would NOT substitute my alcohol addiction for any other one.
But DAMN! do I love a coffe or 12 a day now. Pretty contradictory to the valium (diazepam) I know, but better than a drunken state I suppose.
Unfortunately I had to miss my GP appointment last Thursday due to my work schedule, but was lucky enough to get a consultation at our local poly clinic on Saturday night when I ran out of my script to see a GP that prescribed me some more diazepam (which I must admit I was scoffing like smarties over the previous week). Unfortunately I have always had the sort of metabolism that adapts to any drug I choose and I can usually handle twice as much as "normal" people within a week or 2. 1 tab, was just not cutting it so I have found myself having 2 of a morning and 3 of an afternoon (sometimes another 2 at might as I have been keeping really odd hours of late). Also in relation to my adaption, I have had a fair amount of experience with MDMA and speed in the past. I would often have triple what every one else would have plus litres of vodka and still sleep at the end of the night. It was fun at the time, but it isnt fun when you realise your mind is going because of it.
Nowdays sleep is something I do not look forward to of an evening, so I have been keeping myself ammused learning more technical things from web sites that I have wanted to learn about for some time, and I am FINALLY using my seller account on ebay (and making tidy profits I must add;). So I guess I have turned my internet abuse into a positive as well. Actually I dont find myself on the internet as much since I stopped drinking. It has been nice to be a functional human being (even if the sedation plays a big part) and doing more about the house and yard. Jut a pity I go to bed at 4am and cant be woken before 11 0r 12pm the next day (and I always used to be out of bed ny 8 no matter how late I partied to). Guess it is my bodys way of dealing with things ie: caffine. Hopefully my psych reads this and helps give me a bit of an insight into this routine (sorry I had to cancel yesterday doc, but due to poor planning, my wife was at work, I had my kids here for the holidays and, um, kind of did not wake up until 20 minutes before the appointment).
Over the last few days, I have re organised the fish tank (again) , cleaned the gutters on the roof, tidied the back yard, made more business deals and most importantly have spent more time with the kids (this one may be a bit of a test though as the kids are on school holidays and I have to run a home based business. Not to mention that my eldest daughters hyperactive freind is staying over). But I shall endeavour to be strong and resist the urge to over medicate on the diazepam as I have been lately.
Thinking about selling my boat to fund further developments for the business too. I know I can get twice what I paid for it on ebay. Gotta love that!
I am just contemplating whether to go all out and set up an online store right now, or wait and see if the excitement dies off?
Hmmm, guess I'll let you know next post!
Take care of yourself peoples, trust me it feels better than abusing yourself.
Re-Focusing the mind is the hardest hurdle. Once you get past that, the future looks a whole lot better.
I always maintained that I would NOT substitute my alcohol addiction for any other one.
But DAMN! do I love a coffe or 12 a day now. Pretty contradictory to the valium (diazepam) I know, but better than a drunken state I suppose.
Unfortunately I had to miss my GP appointment last Thursday due to my work schedule, but was lucky enough to get a consultation at our local poly clinic on Saturday night when I ran out of my script to see a GP that prescribed me some more diazepam (which I must admit I was scoffing like smarties over the previous week). Unfortunately I have always had the sort of metabolism that adapts to any drug I choose and I can usually handle twice as much as "normal" people within a week or 2. 1 tab, was just not cutting it so I have found myself having 2 of a morning and 3 of an afternoon (sometimes another 2 at might as I have been keeping really odd hours of late). Also in relation to my adaption, I have had a fair amount of experience with MDMA and speed in the past. I would often have triple what every one else would have plus litres of vodka and still sleep at the end of the night. It was fun at the time, but it isnt fun when you realise your mind is going because of it.
Nowdays sleep is something I do not look forward to of an evening, so I have been keeping myself ammused learning more technical things from web sites that I have wanted to learn about for some time, and I am FINALLY using my seller account on ebay (and making tidy profits I must add;). So I guess I have turned my internet abuse into a positive as well. Actually I dont find myself on the internet as much since I stopped drinking. It has been nice to be a functional human being (even if the sedation plays a big part) and doing more about the house and yard. Jut a pity I go to bed at 4am and cant be woken before 11 0r 12pm the next day (and I always used to be out of bed ny 8 no matter how late I partied to). Guess it is my bodys way of dealing with things ie: caffine. Hopefully my psych reads this and helps give me a bit of an insight into this routine (sorry I had to cancel yesterday doc, but due to poor planning, my wife was at work, I had my kids here for the holidays and, um, kind of did not wake up until 20 minutes before the appointment).
Over the last few days, I have re organised the fish tank (again) , cleaned the gutters on the roof, tidied the back yard, made more business deals and most importantly have spent more time with the kids (this one may be a bit of a test though as the kids are on school holidays and I have to run a home based business. Not to mention that my eldest daughters hyperactive freind is staying over). But I shall endeavour to be strong and resist the urge to over medicate on the diazepam as I have been lately.
Thinking about selling my boat to fund further developments for the business too. I know I can get twice what I paid for it on ebay. Gotta love that!
I am just contemplating whether to go all out and set up an online store right now, or wait and see if the excitement dies off?
Hmmm, guess I'll let you know next post!
Take care of yourself peoples, trust me it feels better than abusing yourself.
Re-Focusing the mind is the hardest hurdle. Once you get past that, the future looks a whole lot better.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Things are looking better
I have not been in a situation where others have been drinking around me yet, and the cravings are still there at times. Diazepam supplies running low, but hey, they do take the edge off the shakes and have definitely helped with the work related anxiety. I feel now that I am thinking clearer and working a lot harder than before. Even got potential new clients lined up, have attended several meeting and am willing to attend any future meeting without the worry of "Oh, but I will want to be drinking by that time" any more. I am also starting to loose the anxiety related to looking at work on my desk and just wanting to escape. This may sound sad to some, but I am enjoying working as a focused individual. Keep in mind I have procrastinated a little by re organising my office;)
I enjoyed a lovely lunch with my family and freinds for my 30th last Saturday (thanks to mum:). Although due to previously mentioned financial reasons along with the fact I have clients months overdue for payments due to us we are the poorest we have been in a long time yet somehow I feel content. The only part that made me sad was I had no money to give to my wife to give to my kids to buy me a present (they love giving, bless 'em).
Luckily enough there have been a few ingredients in the freezer, fridge and pantry for us to get by on (thank jeebus, allah, buddah or the flying spaghetti monster for that one!). Thankfully the wife and I love to cook and are not afraid to experiment. It is amazing the taste sensations you can come up with sausages, mince, potatoes and a few herbs and spices along with some packet noodles (I'll share a few of these with you one day).
We can still book up milk as I have always run accounts at our local bottle shop (liquor store / off licence for you foreign folk) and it is nice to be able to walk in there and walk out with a bottle of milk instead of a bottle of vodka and a few cold drinks for the whole 1km drive home;). Cant say it doesnt feel awkward, but arriving home and knowing I am not going to write myself off and not feel like doing anything but drink is a reward in its own.
My wifey managed to come into some cash to help settle her debts as well! This is a great thing amd it is nice to see her spirits up again. I love her to bits. That said, I think I am becoming a little too attached to her by my side all the time now. She went to bed last night and I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness (diazepam comedown no doubt;)
After knuckling down at work and running through all the accounts and chasing the non payers regretfully I have had to auction off my tickets to see the DnB band "pendulum" in a few weeks time at Melbourne. A few weeks back this would have put me in a feral mood and sent me to a new low as that was my biggest goal at the time - to get out, ignore work, ignore customers and party! However that small sacrifice help will reap the rewards of knowing the bills are under control and the business is be growing (I hope to leave the business to my kids one day, and thanks to a few smart decisions on my part this may still be achievable). Also it is nice to be able to answer the phone again without fear of having a client wanting to strangle me through a phone line (I can sense frustration no matter how sublte or introverted the client may be)
Thanks to my GP and psych they have helped me help myself by asking me questions that only I can answer. This in turn has and helped re-reveal my true goals and what truly makes me happy. As said before I highly recommend seeing counsellor or even a trip to your GP if you have a destructive habit, feel like everything is shit or are questioning why you do things. Although I doubt any of them could answer the question I always ask myself when I am I am trying to type something that requires thought.... "Why the fuck does my wife always call me to assist her to do something urgently when I am trying to write!?" as she just did for the third time today;) Stereo amplifier is fixed now so lets get back to it.....
Well, actually that is about it for today. The only thing I can offer now is a little advice for others that feel they are going down the wrong path.
Look inside yourself, be honest to yourself and then talk to someone.
Also, if you are putting something off or avoiding something for whatever reason, at least do something else you have been putting off. It is amazing how it can help you re-focus on the important things. That is my advice, not something repeated from a psych.
P.S. I gave my psych a link to this blog and would like to take this opportunity to say thanks, you have helped me a lot.
(But the pink shirt had me worried for a second there;)
I enjoyed a lovely lunch with my family and freinds for my 30th last Saturday (thanks to mum:). Although due to previously mentioned financial reasons along with the fact I have clients months overdue for payments due to us we are the poorest we have been in a long time yet somehow I feel content. The only part that made me sad was I had no money to give to my wife to give to my kids to buy me a present (they love giving, bless 'em).
Luckily enough there have been a few ingredients in the freezer, fridge and pantry for us to get by on (thank jeebus, allah, buddah or the flying spaghetti monster for that one!). Thankfully the wife and I love to cook and are not afraid to experiment. It is amazing the taste sensations you can come up with sausages, mince, potatoes and a few herbs and spices along with some packet noodles (I'll share a few of these with you one day).
We can still book up milk as I have always run accounts at our local bottle shop (liquor store / off licence for you foreign folk) and it is nice to be able to walk in there and walk out with a bottle of milk instead of a bottle of vodka and a few cold drinks for the whole 1km drive home;). Cant say it doesnt feel awkward, but arriving home and knowing I am not going to write myself off and not feel like doing anything but drink is a reward in its own.
My wifey managed to come into some cash to help settle her debts as well! This is a great thing amd it is nice to see her spirits up again. I love her to bits. That said, I think I am becoming a little too attached to her by my side all the time now. She went to bed last night and I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness (diazepam comedown no doubt;)
After knuckling down at work and running through all the accounts and chasing the non payers regretfully I have had to auction off my tickets to see the DnB band "pendulum" in a few weeks time at Melbourne. A few weeks back this would have put me in a feral mood and sent me to a new low as that was my biggest goal at the time - to get out, ignore work, ignore customers and party! However that small sacrifice help will reap the rewards of knowing the bills are under control and the business is be growing (I hope to leave the business to my kids one day, and thanks to a few smart decisions on my part this may still be achievable). Also it is nice to be able to answer the phone again without fear of having a client wanting to strangle me through a phone line (I can sense frustration no matter how sublte or introverted the client may be)
Thanks to my GP and psych they have helped me help myself by asking me questions that only I can answer. This in turn has and helped re-reveal my true goals and what truly makes me happy. As said before I highly recommend seeing counsellor or even a trip to your GP if you have a destructive habit, feel like everything is shit or are questioning why you do things. Although I doubt any of them could answer the question I always ask myself when I am I am trying to type something that requires thought.... "Why the fuck does my wife always call me to assist her to do something urgently when I am trying to write!?" as she just did for the third time today;) Stereo amplifier is fixed now so lets get back to it.....
Well, actually that is about it for today. The only thing I can offer now is a little advice for others that feel they are going down the wrong path.
Look inside yourself, be honest to yourself and then talk to someone.
Also, if you are putting something off or avoiding something for whatever reason, at least do something else you have been putting off. It is amazing how it can help you re-focus on the important things. That is my advice, not something repeated from a psych.
P.S. I gave my psych a link to this blog and would like to take this opportunity to say thanks, you have helped me a lot.
(But the pink shirt had me worried for a second there;)
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Still off it (just)
Saturday morning here, and still off the booze.
However it seems like every second thought I have is about booze and wanting to drink some. Yesterday was pretty much the same. But hey! I even got some work done, which is an achievement considering my previous efforts at work over the previous month or so (dont know if I mentioned it earlier but I am self employed and have clients to look after)
Last year I started trading in a new company and made surprising results. Basically I earned more money than I had ever earned in my life. The reason as to why I set up a new company was due to the previous year (2006) I had 2 business partners, unfortunately one of them chose to embezzle over 1/4m out of our business. As soon as myself and the other business partner discovered this through auditing the books. He then used his and his wifes shares to manipulate our machinery into her name leaving me and the other partner with nothing at all. Worst part being, Mr Embezlement use to be my customer, he merely invested just over 100k into our company. With his previous management experience we made the mistake of giving him the managers role, I headed all the major contracts and partner 3 ran all the staff and production.
By all means the business fallout was not the start of my drinking career, far from it in fact. Just booze rarely used to effect my work performance. The previous business was having strong growth and we had turned it into a multi million within 2 years. It was heart braking to lose everything I had (as it was all in the business) but I chose not to be beaten by this by starting again, and getting bigger and more profitable jobs than we ever had before. In other words, I went back to the same industry out of spite. I think doing this may have been a bit of a mistake, but it certainly stopped Mr E from getting rich from our losses. The unfortunate part is that not a day goes by where I dont think of the cunt. The police are investigating, but it has taken a long time and I am not going to stop blocking his progress until he is in jail.
I need a new career path and think this is part of the reason I have started to develop so much anxiety towards my work. That coupled with the loss of my wifes business late last year which has cost her and I dearly and her mounting debts (that I have had the pleasure of paying for along with all of our living expenses).
The most unfortunate part is that my wife lost her whole inheritance left to her from her mother in cash sunk into that business and now we have also large mortgage on her fathers house to cover as well. For no reward. Our relationship was quite new at the time of her purchasing her business and I did not stick my nose into the finer details as much as I should of. That said it was actually profitable at the time but obviously not sustainable. Economic downturns and ruthless exploitation of tennants by Centre Management of the shopping centre soon seen her business slipping backwards at a rapid rate of knots. Naturally I can tell my wife is depressed too and it hurts me because I can only help her so much before she helps herself. (I kind of wish I didnt tell her about this blog now, but we are very honest with each other and I'd like to keep it this way)
At the end of the day, we work for nothing but to pay bills. Should we do something instead of pay bills I feel it always seems to come back on me as I had the good business and I have to pick up the slack. I think part of me watching her being depressed with no motivation to work hard at sorting things out had also contributed to my fear of work (or reluctance to work as I was no longer getting any rewards or satisfaction from it). I basically developed the "Why fucking bother attitude". Bit of a mistake that really;)
Wow, that was a confusing little story wasn't it!?
Writing this helps, but fuck me do I want a drink. I keep on thinking of how much fun I had drinking with freinds and the various social situations that will be more awkward or even non existent from now on. I know if I dont stay off it I will die and even if I dont It will only hurt my family and pocket even more. I'd love to be able to have a beer or 2 and leave it at that, but unfortunately I am not one of them people any more, alcohol fuels a very thirsty monster within me and that monster always wants more.
But still nearly every part of me still wants to get fucked up beyond recognition right now and block out all the shit once again.
However it seems like every second thought I have is about booze and wanting to drink some. Yesterday was pretty much the same. But hey! I even got some work done, which is an achievement considering my previous efforts at work over the previous month or so (dont know if I mentioned it earlier but I am self employed and have clients to look after)
Last year I started trading in a new company and made surprising results. Basically I earned more money than I had ever earned in my life. The reason as to why I set up a new company was due to the previous year (2006) I had 2 business partners, unfortunately one of them chose to embezzle over 1/4m out of our business. As soon as myself and the other business partner discovered this through auditing the books. He then used his and his wifes shares to manipulate our machinery into her name leaving me and the other partner with nothing at all. Worst part being, Mr Embezlement use to be my customer, he merely invested just over 100k into our company. With his previous management experience we made the mistake of giving him the managers role, I headed all the major contracts and partner 3 ran all the staff and production.
By all means the business fallout was not the start of my drinking career, far from it in fact. Just booze rarely used to effect my work performance. The previous business was having strong growth and we had turned it into a multi million within 2 years. It was heart braking to lose everything I had (as it was all in the business) but I chose not to be beaten by this by starting again, and getting bigger and more profitable jobs than we ever had before. In other words, I went back to the same industry out of spite. I think doing this may have been a bit of a mistake, but it certainly stopped Mr E from getting rich from our losses. The unfortunate part is that not a day goes by where I dont think of the cunt. The police are investigating, but it has taken a long time and I am not going to stop blocking his progress until he is in jail.
I need a new career path and think this is part of the reason I have started to develop so much anxiety towards my work. That coupled with the loss of my wifes business late last year which has cost her and I dearly and her mounting debts (that I have had the pleasure of paying for along with all of our living expenses).
The most unfortunate part is that my wife lost her whole inheritance left to her from her mother in cash sunk into that business and now we have also large mortgage on her fathers house to cover as well. For no reward. Our relationship was quite new at the time of her purchasing her business and I did not stick my nose into the finer details as much as I should of. That said it was actually profitable at the time but obviously not sustainable. Economic downturns and ruthless exploitation of tennants by Centre Management of the shopping centre soon seen her business slipping backwards at a rapid rate of knots. Naturally I can tell my wife is depressed too and it hurts me because I can only help her so much before she helps herself. (I kind of wish I didnt tell her about this blog now, but we are very honest with each other and I'd like to keep it this way)
At the end of the day, we work for nothing but to pay bills. Should we do something instead of pay bills I feel it always seems to come back on me as I had the good business and I have to pick up the slack. I think part of me watching her being depressed with no motivation to work hard at sorting things out had also contributed to my fear of work (or reluctance to work as I was no longer getting any rewards or satisfaction from it). I basically developed the "Why fucking bother attitude". Bit of a mistake that really;)
Wow, that was a confusing little story wasn't it!?
Writing this helps, but fuck me do I want a drink. I keep on thinking of how much fun I had drinking with freinds and the various social situations that will be more awkward or even non existent from now on. I know if I dont stay off it I will die and even if I dont It will only hurt my family and pocket even more. I'd love to be able to have a beer or 2 and leave it at that, but unfortunately I am not one of them people any more, alcohol fuels a very thirsty monster within me and that monster always wants more.
But still nearly every part of me still wants to get fucked up beyond recognition right now and block out all the shit once again.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Today Is the day
Yesterday after writing my blog here drunk again I decided that Today was going to be the day I stop drinking. I had been drinking daily (as I have for years) but binging quite heavily, completely writing myself off every day. Originally I intended to stop mid-April after a holiday that I had planned but I dont feel waiting any longer was going to help. People will just have to get used to sober me.
A few months ago I did take a break from the booze for nearly 3 weeks. It was tough at first, but got a bit easier through that time. Unfortunately I thought after that time that I could have just 1 light beer. Not so, I have been blind drunk ever since I had that 1 light beer and have hardly worked at all. I was choosing to block out important issues by drinking and fucking about on the internet all day every day (another thing I aim to change).
Luckily enough I was open enough about my addiction to tell my local GP when I was having some other health troubles and he has offered great support throughout the issues and health. Basically, a few weeks back I was told I would be dead in under 10 years if I did not stop. I wanted to stop, but chose not to.
I had been referred to a psych and attended a session (something I never thought I would have to do). He gave me a great insight into where my work related anxiety was coming from and gave some tips to change things. Also this made me realise the #1 reason I was there in the first place was due to my drinking.
My GP told me that when I was ready to stop, he would offer further treatment involving drugs and further therapy. I know substituting alcohol for another thing can be really bad, but face it I am a bit of a wreck at the moment so I am giving the Diazepam a go for 2 weeks to help take the edge off the anxiety. I am happy to say that day 1 is going well and I am sitting here having a lovely cup of soup as I write this. Also went out with my wife and ex wife to look at a new school for my eldest daughter as the ex is moving soon. I must say I am very impressed with the new school we were thinking about. They have state of the art educational facilities and this has given me even more to look forward too. (I went to the GP after that meeting). The diazepam has basically sedated me and feels a little uncomfortable, but nowhere nearly as uncomfortable as the usual cravings.
Tomorrow I aim to focus on sorting out my back log of work and appeasing some clients that are at their wits end. The only problem is... what the hell do I tell them? Cant really say that I have been delaying projects due to alcoholism, anxiety and depression can I ;)
I guess we will know how it went when I post here again tomorrow night. Even with the great support through my GP, wife and mother It all rests in my hands. Lets hope I do the right thing.
A few months ago I did take a break from the booze for nearly 3 weeks. It was tough at first, but got a bit easier through that time. Unfortunately I thought after that time that I could have just 1 light beer. Not so, I have been blind drunk ever since I had that 1 light beer and have hardly worked at all. I was choosing to block out important issues by drinking and fucking about on the internet all day every day (another thing I aim to change).
Luckily enough I was open enough about my addiction to tell my local GP when I was having some other health troubles and he has offered great support throughout the issues and health. Basically, a few weeks back I was told I would be dead in under 10 years if I did not stop. I wanted to stop, but chose not to.
I had been referred to a psych and attended a session (something I never thought I would have to do). He gave me a great insight into where my work related anxiety was coming from and gave some tips to change things. Also this made me realise the #1 reason I was there in the first place was due to my drinking.
My GP told me that when I was ready to stop, he would offer further treatment involving drugs and further therapy. I know substituting alcohol for another thing can be really bad, but face it I am a bit of a wreck at the moment so I am giving the Diazepam a go for 2 weeks to help take the edge off the anxiety. I am happy to say that day 1 is going well and I am sitting here having a lovely cup of soup as I write this. Also went out with my wife and ex wife to look at a new school for my eldest daughter as the ex is moving soon. I must say I am very impressed with the new school we were thinking about. They have state of the art educational facilities and this has given me even more to look forward too. (I went to the GP after that meeting). The diazepam has basically sedated me and feels a little uncomfortable, but nowhere nearly as uncomfortable as the usual cravings.
Tomorrow I aim to focus on sorting out my back log of work and appeasing some clients that are at their wits end. The only problem is... what the hell do I tell them? Cant really say that I have been delaying projects due to alcoholism, anxiety and depression can I ;)
I guess we will know how it went when I post here again tomorrow night. Even with the great support through my GP, wife and mother It all rests in my hands. Lets hope I do the right thing.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Why am I here? (blogger)
I am here to hopefully help you to help yourself by learning from my mistakes.
I am an alcoholic.
My past and present circumstances I will go into later. But currently I am losing money,my business, freinds and quality time with my beautiful family because of what I have made myself become. It hurts.
So what do I do when things hurt too much?
You got it, have another drink, block out life and fuck about on the internet.
Do I like it?
No. But I aim to change this by posting here regularly and gaining further insight into myself and the things I do. Recently I have had a bout of anxiety related to work and it is not like me to let things like that affect me, typically I look into myself and work things out. I just cant work it out any more. Things need to change NOW and I am the only one that can do this.
I thought having a reasonable level of intelligence (so people tell me) and a good insight into my own behaviour would have saved me from dragging myself down this far but obviously that is not so.
Before you label me as some EMO fuck, please dismiss those thoughts because I usually make any situation a fun one for example: last time my wife got pulled over for speeding, I ended up in an interesting conversation with the policeman whilst the other officer did background and vehicle checks. When he presented her the ticket I thanked him and said "thank you mate, she is no longer perfect" he glared back at me without saying a word. My response was "Sorry, I know... no laughing matter". He responded with "Its OK mate, got one just the same at home." A golden moment really. My wife is an incredible person, and thank christ she can put up with my extrovert nature and style of humour.
Drifting away from the point a bit, but I thought I should let you know a bit about my general mood. The mood that is being erased by alcohol.
Once again I am not my normal self. I cant even bring myself to answer the phone when clients call anymore. Any rational tips would be appreciated.
Edit: One month has passed now, It is OK the future posts dont all sound as emo and depressing as this one. I was at one of my lowest points and very drunk when I wrote this along with the fact that is how was genuinely feeling at the time. Feel free to read on and leave comments on relevant posts for others to read.
Mr Addictive
I am an alcoholic.
My past and present circumstances I will go into later. But currently I am losing money,my business, freinds and quality time with my beautiful family because of what I have made myself become. It hurts.
So what do I do when things hurt too much?
You got it, have another drink, block out life and fuck about on the internet.
Do I like it?
No. But I aim to change this by posting here regularly and gaining further insight into myself and the things I do. Recently I have had a bout of anxiety related to work and it is not like me to let things like that affect me, typically I look into myself and work things out. I just cant work it out any more. Things need to change NOW and I am the only one that can do this.
I thought having a reasonable level of intelligence (so people tell me) and a good insight into my own behaviour would have saved me from dragging myself down this far but obviously that is not so.
Before you label me as some EMO fuck, please dismiss those thoughts because I usually make any situation a fun one for example: last time my wife got pulled over for speeding, I ended up in an interesting conversation with the policeman whilst the other officer did background and vehicle checks. When he presented her the ticket I thanked him and said "thank you mate, she is no longer perfect" he glared back at me without saying a word. My response was "Sorry, I know... no laughing matter". He responded with "Its OK mate, got one just the same at home." A golden moment really. My wife is an incredible person, and thank christ she can put up with my extrovert nature and style of humour.
Drifting away from the point a bit, but I thought I should let you know a bit about my general mood. The mood that is being erased by alcohol.
Once again I am not my normal self. I cant even bring myself to answer the phone when clients call anymore. Any rational tips would be appreciated.
Edit: One month has passed now, It is OK the future posts dont all sound as emo and depressing as this one. I was at one of my lowest points and very drunk when I wrote this along with the fact that is how was genuinely feeling at the time. Feel free to read on and leave comments on relevant posts for others to read.
Mr Addictive
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