Things are looking better

I have not been in a situation where others have been drinking around me yet, and the cravings are still there at times. Diazepam supplies running low, but hey, they do take the edge off the shakes and have definitely helped with the work related anxiety. I feel now that I am thinking clearer and working a lot harder than before. Even got potential new clients lined up, have attended several meeting and am willing to attend any future meeting without the worry of "Oh, but I will want to be drinking by that time" any more. I am also starting to loose the anxiety related to looking at work on my desk and just wanting to escape. This may sound sad to some, but I am enjoying working as a focused individual. Keep in mind I have procrastinated a little by re organising my office;)

I enjoyed a lovely lunch with my family and freinds for my 30th last Saturday (thanks to mum:). Although due to previously mentioned financial reasons along with the fact I have clients months overdue for payments due to us we are the poorest we have been in a long time yet somehow I feel content. The only part that made me sad was I had no money to give to my wife to give to my kids to buy me a present (they love giving, bless 'em).

Luckily enough there have been a few ingredients in the freezer, fridge and pantry for us to get by on (thank jeebus, allah, buddah or the flying spaghetti monster for that one!). Thankfully the wife and I love to cook and are not afraid to experiment. It is amazing the taste sensations you can come up with sausages, mince, potatoes and a few herbs and spices along with some packet noodles (I'll share a few of these with you one day).

We can still book up milk as I have always run accounts at our local bottle shop (liquor store / off licence for you foreign folk) and it is nice to be able to walk in there and walk out with a bottle of milk instead of a bottle of vodka and a few cold drinks for the whole 1km drive home;). Cant say it doesnt feel awkward, but arriving home and knowing I am not going to write myself off and not feel like doing anything but drink is a reward in its own.

My wifey managed to come into some cash to help settle her debts as well! This is a great thing amd it is nice to see her spirits up again. I love her to bits. That said, I think I am becoming a little too attached to her by my side all the time now. She went to bed last night and I had an overwhelming sense of loneliness (diazepam comedown no doubt;)

After knuckling down at work and running through all the accounts and chasing the non payers regretfully I have had to auction off my tickets to see the DnB band "pendulum" in a few weeks time at Melbourne. A few weeks back this would have put me in a feral mood and sent me to a new low as that was my biggest goal at the time - to get out, ignore work, ignore customers and party! However that small sacrifice help will reap the rewards of knowing the bills are under control and the business is be growing (I hope to leave the business to my kids one day, and thanks to a few smart decisions on my part this may still be achievable). Also it is nice to be able to answer the phone again without fear of having a client wanting to strangle me through a phone line (I can sense frustration no matter how sublte or introverted the client may be)

Thanks to my GP and psych they have helped me help myself by asking me questions that only I can answer. This in turn has and helped re-reveal my true goals and what truly makes me happy. As said before I highly recommend seeing counsellor or even a trip to your GP if you have a destructive habit, feel like everything is shit or are questioning why you do things. Although I doubt any of them could answer the question I always ask myself when I am I am trying to type something that requires thought.... "Why the fuck does my wife always call me to assist her to do something urgently when I am trying to write!?" as she just did for the third time today;) Stereo amplifier is fixed now so lets get back to it.....

Well, actually that is about it for today. The only thing I can offer now is a little advice for others that feel they are going down the wrong path.

Look inside yourself, be honest to yourself and then talk to someone.

Also, if you are putting something off or avoiding something for whatever reason, at least do something else you have been putting off. It is amazing how it can help you re-focus on the important things. That is my advice, not something repeated from a psych.

P.S. I gave my psych a link to this blog and would like to take this opportunity to say thanks, you have helped me a lot.
(But the pink shirt had me worried for a second there;)