Still off it (just)

Saturday morning here, and still off the booze.

However it seems like every second thought I have is about booze and wanting to drink some. Yesterday was pretty much the same. But hey! I even got some work done, which is an achievement considering my previous efforts at work over the previous month or so (dont know if I mentioned it earlier but I am self employed and have clients to look after)

Last year I started trading in a new company and made surprising results. Basically I earned more money than I had ever earned in my life. The reason as to why I set up a new company was due to the previous year (2006) I had 2 business partners, unfortunately one of them chose to embezzle over 1/4m out of our business. As soon as myself and the other business partner discovered this through auditing the books. He then used his and his wifes shares to manipulate our machinery into her name leaving me and the other partner with nothing at all. Worst part being, Mr Embezlement use to be my customer, he merely invested just over 100k into our company. With his previous management experience we made the mistake of giving him the managers role, I headed all the major contracts and partner 3 ran all the staff and production.

By all means the business fallout was not the start of my drinking career, far from it in fact. Just booze rarely used to effect my work performance. The previous business was having strong growth and we had turned it into a multi million within 2 years. It was heart braking to lose everything I had (as it was all in the business) but I chose not to be beaten by this by starting again, and getting bigger and more profitable jobs than we ever had before. In other words, I went back to the same industry out of spite. I think doing this may have been a bit of a mistake, but it certainly stopped Mr E from getting rich from our losses. The unfortunate part is that not a day goes by where I dont think of the cunt. The police are investigating, but it has taken a long time and I am not going to stop blocking his progress until he is in jail.

I need a new career path and think this is part of the reason I have started to develop so much anxiety towards my work. That coupled with the loss of my wifes business late last year which has cost her and I dearly and her mounting debts (that I have had the pleasure of paying for along with all of our living expenses).

The most unfortunate part is that my wife lost her whole inheritance left to her from her mother in cash sunk into that business and now we have also large mortgage on her fathers house to cover as well. For no reward. Our relationship was quite new at the time of her purchasing her business and I did not stick my nose into the finer details as much as I should of. That said it was actually profitable at the time but obviously not sustainable. Economic downturns and ruthless exploitation of tennants by Centre Management of the shopping centre soon seen her business slipping backwards at a rapid rate of knots. Naturally I can tell my wife is depressed too and it hurts me because I can only help her so much before she helps herself. (I kind of wish I didnt tell her about this blog now, but we are very honest with each other and I'd like to keep it this way)

At the end of the day, we work for nothing but to pay bills. Should we do something instead of pay bills I feel it always seems to come back on me as I had the good business and I have to pick up the slack. I think part of me watching her being depressed with no motivation to work hard at sorting things out had also contributed to my fear of work (or reluctance to work as I was no longer getting any rewards or satisfaction from it). I basically developed the "Why fucking bother attitude". Bit of a mistake that really;)

Wow, that was a confusing little story wasn't it!?

Writing this helps, but fuck me do I want a drink. I keep on thinking of how much fun I had drinking with freinds and the various social situations that will be more awkward or even non existent from now on. I know if I dont stay off it I will die and even if I dont It will only hurt my family and pocket even more. I'd love to be able to have a beer or 2 and leave it at that, but unfortunately I am not one of them people any more, alcohol fuels a very thirsty monster within me and that monster always wants more.

But still nearly every part of me still wants to get fucked up beyond recognition right now and block out all the shit once again.